


Entry #270

by magicconchshel



Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: A look into prowl's mind, Developing Relationship, Diary/Journal, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, One Night Stands, Sexual Interfacing (Transformers)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 04:27:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30133962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicconchshel/pseuds/magicconchshel
Summary: A brief look into Prowl's journal as he details the start to his romance with Jazz.
Relationships: Jazz/Prowl (Transformers)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 38





	Entry #270

**Author's Note:**

> it is v late and i edited this while I was tired

**Entry #248**

Jazz came into my office today to deliver data. That itself is not odd, but what he did while he was in there with me was. He set the datapads down on my desk. I was standing at the wall with the screen posted and he wandered up behind me. I do not like it when mecha try to sneak up on me. I think they expect me to flinch to scream. It never works and I hate the way they look at me when I don’t react. Usually whenever that happens I turn around right as they’re about to touch me and scare them instead. It always works.

Anyways, he came up behind me, but didn’t try to touch me or my wings. He came up behind me and put his servo on my shoulder. 

I don’t know why it affected me so. I did not flinch, but the place where he touched me felt warm. He did not seem affected, he seemed calm and collected, like he always is. He probably does it a lot. He’s personable and I imagine that this is what personable mecha do. It didn’t feel bad. He didn’t grip me like I’ve had some other mecha do, where they dig their digits into my plating. 

I liked the touch and I know it’s pathetic to say that. I write about this so often, it’s such a repetitive struggle in my life, but other mecha my age have usually had at least one serious relationship by now. And here I am, my closest friend being my brother. 

Now, there is nothing wrong with Smokescreen, I love him so, but he is bound to me by familial relation. I know he loves me and I love him, but if we were not relatives, I am certain we would never be friends. 

Anyways, Jazz put his servo on my shoulder and I looked at him and he looked at me, but he did not say anything on it and neither did I. He spoke to me as he always did and left. 

I was on my own for the rest of the cycle and while I am always alone, this time I felt it. I don’t like to think about these things too hard. I write them down so maybe I can forget about it. 

It feels silly writing about this. It truly is not a big deal. Maybe I should delete this. 

**Entry # 251**

I’m sitting in my office right now. It’s been slow today. Mecha always wonder why I do some much work at one time and it’s so I can have moments like these. 

I had a bit of a disagreement with Smokescreen last night. Nothing major, just a small spat. I don’t think it will affect us whatsoever, but I’m still thinking about it half a cycle later so I wanted to write about it. 

I saw him go into his quarters with someone, I don’t know who. He’s been bringing different mecha home and he’s told me before that he’s interfacing with them. No string attached, just one night. And that’s fine, I have no issues with it. Smokescreen is responsible and he’s older than me and he’s his own mech, so I have no reason to protest. 

But recently, he’s been promoted in his department and now holds a level of authority with the potential to continue climbing the latter. While there are certain mecha in the chain of command who interface with their peers, subordinates, and superiors, it is not something I am fond of. It creates issues. 

I stopped him before he could go inside with whoever it was. I was passing by. I asked who it was, he didn’t respond. I told him that it’s not a good idea to do things like this so frequently. I told him that it is improper for someone in the chain of command to engage in such behavior. 

If he were to interface with one of his subordinates, it could be seen as an abuse of power. I do not think Smokescreen would ever do such a thing, but it is best to avoid it all together. 

He shut the door, likely so I couldn’t see who was inside, and told me it was none of my business. He was right, which was why I left. I told him to think about it and went to my quarters. 

I’m now second guessing my actions and words. Perhaps I was too forward and maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all. It’s his life, who am I to parent my own brother? It feels wrong now. I don’t like that I did it and I should apologize. 

Someone is at the door. I’ll stop writing now. 

**Entry # 257**

Jazz stopped by again. He’s been doing it a lot. I can’t figure out why. 

Sometimes I envy him. He’s always surrounded by other mecha and is so well liked, even by his subordinates. Whenever he orders mecha around, it never sounds rude or harsh. I don’t know how he does it. How can someone be friends with those they are supposed to be in charge of?

I thought that maybe he isn't friends with them and is just friendly. How should I know what friends look like? But after thinking about it for a while, I’m fairly certain he’s friends with everyone. 

I envy him. Even though I am not socially apt, I made the decision long ago to abandon all unnecessary relationships to focus on my work. Smokescreen says it’s noble. I disagree. It’s necessary. But I envy Jazz. He’s a mech so talented that he can balance work and friendships. 

For me, it’s one or the other. Always has been. I’ve always chosen work. Or school. It hasn’t bothered me until recently. 

I thought more about the situation with Smokescreen. After talking to him about it, I was able to reflect on it with a clearer mind. I think I was jealous. I don’t desire an intimate partner, but I do desire companionship. I think that many mecha who engage in frequent short lived relationships desire the same. I cannot determine if I am too socially inept or simply afraid of commitment. Probably both. 

I couldn’t imagine myself on a date. Primus, that would be awful. I’ve seen mecha on dates in public and I’ve read and seen them in fiction. What would I even talk about? Work? No one wants to hear about that and everything I do is confidential. 

Sometimes I wonder about what my “type” would be. It’s such a trivial matter, I don’t know why I would waste my time on it. At first I went with the obvious option, the option that everyone seems to go for, the “Strong Silent Type.” But after more thought, I realized that a long term relationship with someone of that demeanour would never work. If we were both silent, how would we ever interact?

Anyways, back to Jazz. He’s been stopping by my office. Most of the time he brings data, but he always stops for conversation. I never know what to say to him. It drives me crazy. He asks me questions about what I’m doing after my shift and what I do when I have free time.    
  
For starters, I hardly ever have any freetime. And second, when I do, I hardly do anything at all. Sometimes I’ll go somewhere with Smokescreen. Usually to a store. Or I’ll read or catch up on recharge. I don’t know how to express this to Jazz so I try to answer vaguely. I don’t know if he’s satisfied with my answers. 

A few times, he’s brought me energon in the middle of my shift. Those are the times where I really don’t know what to say. I thank him, but he stays around to chat with me and a lot of the time, he does not have a cube himself. I feel odd fueling right in front of him when he has nothing in his servo. 

I thought about stocking my desk with a few cubes for him, but if I did that then there would be no reason for him to come bring me fuel. And that thought sent me for a loop. Wasn’t that what I wanted? I don’t know, thoughts for later. 

**Entry #258**

My shift has not started yet, I just woke up, but I wanted to write this down before I forgot. 

I had perhaps the most disturbing dream I’ve ever had. I almost don’t want to write about it because I do not want to relive it, but I fear that if I do not write about it, it will run freely in my helm. 

I was in my berth, lying on my back. Usually I don’t like to lie on my back because of my wings, but in the dream I was comfortable. Jazz was on top of me and I don’t want to say what we were doing specifically, but we were interfacing. 

I woke up shortly and when I did, I realized I was erect. Frankly, I’m horrified. I cannot believe that I had dreamt of something of this sort. 

It makes me wonder if I’m attracted to Jazz or if this is some sort of manifestation of the anxiety I have been feeling about his visits. Whatever it is, it’s inappropriate. It needs to stop, but I don’t know how to make that happen. Smokescreen may have some insight, being a psychologist, but I don’t want to divulge a dream of this fashion to him. I don’t want to divulge it to anyone. I don’t even want to divulge it to myself. 

There’s a chance that I am not attracted to him. I think this is more likely. I think I am still somewhat upset over the situation with Smokescreen. I do not think I am upset with him, but the situation. I fear I am jealous. My theory is that I envy Smokescreen and manifested it in my dream with the only other mech who seems to be able to stand me for longer than a klik. 

**Entry # 260**

My relationship with Jazz has not suffered from my dream like I had feared. When I first saw him that cycle, I was worried I would say or do something that would elude to my dream, but nothing happened.

I did a little research on dreams like these and apparently they are very normal. Dreams like these happen even without being attracted to someone. 

Smokescreen and I are about back to normal now. I don’t know if he’s still interfacing with his coworkers. I don’t really care anymore. We don’t talk about it and I’d prefer it stay that way. 

**Entry #265**

Jazz has still been coming around to my office and I am as confused as ever. He won’t stop asking me questions and I don’t know how to answer them. I wish he would ask me work related questions. Those I can answer. 

The other day he asked me what type of music I like. That’s not unusual for him, I’ve heard him ask other mecha that same question, but I could not, for the life of me, give him an answer. I thought about it for a klik and he waited patiently. He was sitting on my desk. He does that now for some reason. I said I did not know and he seemed surprised. I don’t know why he was surprised. I can never give him an answer. 

Sometimes I feel stupid after he leaves. I think about our conversations and the things he said and how I replied and I simply cannot fathom why he keeps coming back. 

Just yesterday, I was thinking about this and had a horrible thought. It may be a bet. One large, drawn out bet made to emphasize how intolerable I am. I once saw it in a film. The main character’s lover in the movie only went out with them as a part of a bet and it was revealed halfway through the film to make way for the main love interest. It was a bad film and has no basis in reality, but the idea that Jazz is doing this as a game is not too far fetched. 

My mind began to wander. Jazz is so jovial, I could see him making a bet with someone, promising to befriend me within an allotted amount of time. Or maybe he’s trying to interface with me as a part of some other twisted scheme. Now that, I have heard of. Certain mecha keep detailed logs of who they’ve interfaced with and groups of mecha will band together to see who can interface with the most mecha. I’ve never seen these pools, but I know they exist. I believe Ultra Magnus once had to disband one. 

I wouldn’t take Jazz for the type of mech to participate in something like this, but he’s so mysterious, I never know what to think of him. 

No one seems to have a legitimate, in depth perception on him. Whenever I hear someone talk or describe him they always say he’s nice and that’s about it. No one has a true perception of his character. 

Well, I want to know about his character, but I also don’t want to get too close. Which is fine, because Jazz doesn’t strike me as the type of mech to let anyone in. 

Anyways, he’s still coming to see me and I don’t know what to do about it. He’s made himself comfortable. He sits on my desk and the furniture in front of my desk. I don’t know why those couches are even there. As if I’d ever entertain guests in my office of all places. Perhaps the furniture was made specifically for him. He sits on the couches with his pedes tucked under him. For such a tough mech out on the field, he looks awfully dainty sitting like that. 

Sometimes when I’m standing away from my desk, he’ll sit on top of it. At first I was going to tell him to get off, but I then realized that he was not doing anything wrong. He had not disturbing the things on my desk, so I left him be. 

I thought about buying a manual on social interaction, but then realized that the likelihood of such a manual existing was highly unlikely. From what I had observed, there was no right way to interact with others, but there was certainly a wrong way. And those who were doing it wrong often did not realize that they were doing it wrong. 

It’s unfortunate to need help like this when there is no help available. Perhaps this is something I can only improve on by doing it more. Perhaps Jazz is the help I need. If I’m lucky, this will solve some of my—other issues.

**Entry #270**

I am sitting alone in my quarters right now. I am writing so fast, I am certain this will not be legible later on. Oh well, the purpose of doing this is for the act of writing itself. 

I’ll start from the beginning. 

Jazz came wandering into my office like he always does. I hadn’t seen him for a little while, only a few cycles. He had been away on a mission of some sort. I knew where he was, but I’m drawing a blank at the moment. It doesn’t matter. 

He came into my office after being away, only this time, he had two cubes of energon, but instead of them being the normal grade, they were high grade. I accepted my cube and took one sip before putting it down. 

Jazz seemed off to me. Not overly so. At first I thought that maybe he had been drinking for longer than I had originally anticipated, but he did not have a smell to him. He spoke faster than normal, almost on edge. I think he was having trouble calming down after the mission, but I do not know why he would come to me for that. 

He was sitting on my desk like usual, but then he stood up. I had my back to him; I was working at the screen on the wall. He was talking while he approached me, but I did not listen. At first, I thought he may try the thing where he comes up behind me to scare me, but he did not. He was so close. If I had turned around, I would have swiped him with my wings. 

His arms came around my middle, encircling my limbs and torso. I could have brushed him off if I wanted to, but did not. He was loose. He must have downed his cube and my own that I had left behind on my desk. 

I felt like I might fall over or purge. My insides did not feel like they were inside me and I was vibrating so hard, I don’t know how Jazz didn’t feel it. 

He didn’t really say anything at first and neither did I. I stared at the screen and halted all venting. I’m pretty sure he rested his helm on my back, right in between my wings. My wings were flattened and flared out at the sides. 

I asked him, “are you alright?” 

He did not say anything, but I felt him nod. I wasn’t sure if I believed him. I asked him if he needed anything. He nodded and said he wanted to spend time with me. 

It was then that I began to spiral. For those next few kliks, my helm was a flurry of thoughts and ideas. Could this be him voicing his frustration to me over the past few decacycles? It would make sense. I had been so distant with him. Maybe I hurt his feelings. 

I asked how he wanted me to do that and he didn’t respond. I thought I might fall over. My shift was almost over and I asked if he wanted to come to my quarters and be with me there. I honestly do not know what I was thinking when I said that. He nodded and we left. 

Jazz did not hug me all the way to my quarters, but instead walked beside me and sometimes behind me. I don’t really remember much of the walk. I was so lost in thought, trying to figure out what I would do and say once we got there. I had it all mapped out in my helm. 

When I opened the door, I invited him to sit on my couch and asked if he wanted anything. He said no, but asked if I had more high grade. I said no and he said anything is fine. I went to the kitchen and got to making us each a cube. It was getting late by this point, so I began to prepare my evening energon the same way I always do. Jazz appeared beside me again and leaned into my arm. It felt good, he felt good. 

This is where I start to tread into dangerous territory. I long ago came to the conclusion that I am hopelessly touch starved. I believe it is why I have the recharging habits that I do. 

Jazz’s helm was on my shoulder. I did not stop making our cubes. His servo found its way to my chassis. 

“Is this too much?” he asked me. 

I shook my helm. I don’t think I would have been able to speak if I had tried. 

He kept his servo there and said, “You’re really handsome, Prowl.”

At that, I stopped and I’m pretty sure I said, “Do you still want this?” in notion to the energon. 

I have no idea why I said that. It sounds dumb and it is dumb. Jazz shook his helm and I released whatever I was holding. I was frozen again. 

“What  _ do  _ you want?” I asked. 

He told me he wanted to spend time with me. I didn’t know how to respond. I moved to the side slightly and freed my arm to put on his back. I don’t know why I did it. He felt good and I guess I wanted more. Jazz moved closer to me and suddenly his weight was all down my front. I can still feel it. 

His digits were trailing up and down my shoulders. I felt like I should put my arms around him, but I didn’t. He asked me again if it was ok. I nodded. 

I absolutely wanted him to touch me. I still do. Even writing this now, I can feel him on me and his warmth. It was divine. By Primus, is this how everyone reacts when someone touches them? Surely not. I was not sure what to do. I had never done this before. I debated playing the confident, dominant character that I had seen so often in intimate films or novels. But it did not feel right, so I did not. 

I was not sure where to look. Jazz’s face was nearly touching mine, so it was impossible to look away from him, but part of me felt I should. I’m still not quite sure where I was looking. 

Anyways, he leans up and kisses me and I’m ashamed to admit, but it was my first kiss in quite a while. I wonder if he knew.

I didn’t lean in for another one. I wanted to, but I was so paralyzed, I could not force myself to. 

Jazz then flicked his helm to the side, motioning in the direction of the berthroom. “Do you wanna…” He never finished. He did not have to, I knew exactly what he meant. All officer’s quarters were the same. He knew where everything was. There was only one place he could mean. 

He pulled away and began leading me to my room. As we walked, I missed his frame against mine, but knew it would return soon. 

When we entered, he turned to me and asked, “You like to top?”

I nodded. At that point, I don’t think I would have cared where I was. In the few times I had interfaced, I had played a more dominant role, but I have always been open to the idea of acting submissive. 

He asked me how I wanted him and I really had no clue. I said however he wanted was fine and he turned around and asked me where to put my pillows. I was a little embarrassed. My berth is piled tall with pillows and I had completely forgotten they were there. I told him the ground was fine. I would never put them on the ground regularly, but I figured this one exception wouldn’t hurt. Then he laid on his back, a few pillows supporting him and I crawled over him and sat back on my heels. 

I don’t think I need to detail what happened after that. I can’t remember if we talked or anything like that. I remember when I was thrusting and wondering if I was going too fast or too slow. Jazz seemed to like it. He’s rather loud, but I don’t mind. I actually find it quite enticing. 

But anyways, without all the details, we finished—both of us surprisingly, I was a bit worried—and laid down to recharge, I guess. This was how I assumed things like these usually went and so I said very little and lied down next to him. 

I found I liked this part very much. As I’ve stated before in my journaling, I have a very particular recharging ritual I perform every night to ensure that I rest well. If any part of that ritual is disturbed, I do not recharge well. But last night, despite it being very much disturbed, I found I did not mind. 

Jazz and I were not touching through out the remainder of the night, but as we settled down, he put his helm on my shoulder and his servos across my chassis and recharged like that. I don’t know how long we stayed like that, but I went into recharge long after he did. I didn’t do anything during that time other than stare at the ceiling in the dark. 

When I woke up in the morning, he was gone. I didn’t know how long he had been gone for, but his side of the berth was made. 

I’m not sure how these things are supposed to end and before this all happened, I wasn’t too sure how they started either. I’m actually still not too sure on how this started. I have no idea why Jazz sought me out. Could this just be a part of the hypothetical bet? Was he drunk? Wanted comfort? Am I “easy?” Or does he find me handsome, like he said?

I don’t know and I may never know because I doubt I will ever muster the bravery to talk to him. But I liked it. No, I loved it. I cannot get him out of my helm. I’m sitting at the countertop writing this because I know I cannot go on shift with this still in my helm. Nothing like this has ever happened to me and I doubt it will ever again. 

**Entry # 271**

Since yesterday, I’ve been showing up to my shifts as normal. I saw Smokescreen later that cycle and I think I acted natural, but I was still paranoid he would detect something was wrong. Well, nothing is  _ wrong _ , just off. 

I don’t think he suspected anything. Part of me was worried he could smell it on me—or something. But later I thought about it some more and I realized that whenever Smokescreen has an affair with someone, I hardly ever know until later. 

I wonder if he’ll ever find out. I don’t think I’ll ever tell him. 

But it’s almost a full cycle later and I have not yet seen Jazz. I have no idea what to do or what’s even happening. I have so many questions, so I thought I would express it here. 

I have no idea how these affairs usually go so I do not know if I am supposed to approach him or if he is supposed to approach me or if we simply go our separate ways. Eventually, we will have to talk again since we work together. I don’t plan on saying anything about it unless he does. 

I’m also wondering if he’s told others about it. Most mecha around base are open about their interfacing life, so I doubt Jazz is. I just wonder who he’s told. 

I also wonder what he thinks about the whole ordeal. I’m sure Jazz does things like this all the time. This is nothing new. I wonder if he enjoyed it as I did. 

I was also thinking about what I would do if he approached me again. Would I do it again? I think I would. 

**Entry #272**

To my surprise, Jazz came in to see me today. I was in my office when he pinged to be let in and he took a seat at my desk when he entered. He seemed to be his usual self, much more talkative than the last time I saw him. More normal, I guess I should say. 

I consciously chose not to do too much talking. I wanted to hear what he had to say and see if he said anything of value. He did. 

He opened how he usually does, with idle chat, but then delved into what I actually wanted to hear. He started off by leaning forward and telling me that he wanted to talk about the other night. I motioned for him to continue. He did and told me that he’s grateful I let him stay the night. Apparently he doesn’t always stay. I asked how come and he said it’s easier. Without thinking, I shrugged and said I wouldn’t know. 

He brushed off what I said, but I’m sure he heard it. Jazz said that he doesn’t usually go back to someone he’s interfaced with, but told me we could make this a regular arrangement if I wanted. 

I was stunned, but quickly regained my footing. I nodded and said I would be ok with that. Jazz smiled and stood up and came around the desk to lay a servo on my shoulder. I followed him with my optics. 

Jazz smiled at me and said we’ll keep it light and casual. I said that would be fine. In my helm, I knew that I would not be able to handle anything more. 

He squeezed my shoulder and said something. I could hardly hear him. I couldn’t believe this was happening. He said good bye and left. 

I know that this is not “right” or “proper.” Two officers are not supposed to be having relations like this. I just told Smokescreen off for doing something similar. Am I acting compulsively? Probably. But I do want this. I’ve never had something like this before and I cannot stand to deprive myself in this way. 

  
I justify this by telling myself that I have given enough to the cause. Would it be so bad to give myself this one thing? Perhaps it would be. It  _ will  _ be if this interferes with my work. And if it does, there is nothing I can do about it other than cut him off. But right here, right now, there is nothing that I want more. 

**Author's Note:**

> its been a while since ive posted hehehe. anyways, hope u like this. I'm tired and I'm going to go to bed but for whatever reason I wanted to post this. anyways


End file.
